Today I’d like to talk about Home Improvement in marriage. Don’t worry, I’m not going to preach or pretend to be the know-it-all on this subject. I’ll address some suggestions and ideals that we all can aim for. I've looked at love from both sides, having been divorced in my mid-20s and remarried eight years later, for 43+ years. The idea of Home Improvement in Marriage is, clearly and concisely, “Less Me, More We.”
We live in a day where love has been lost in translation and definition. Dr. Seuss has some intriguing insight into marriage. “We’re all a little weird, and life’s a little weird. And we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with our weirdness, and we join up with them, fall into mutual weirdness, and call it love.” Mark Twain made this statement about love in the context of marriage. “Love is the ideal thing; marriage is the real thing. In other words, love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
One thing is for sure. It’s easy to fall in love; it’s another thing to stay in love. Marriage is like building the airplane while it's flying. If you're teachable, you learn as you go along. That way, you stop grinding the gears in your marriage and let them mesh so you can move forward. Someone once said, "Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion to what we do every day for each other.”
Marriage can and should be a game where two players play, and both win. So many marriages end up like a deck of cards. It begins with two hearts and a diamond, but many times ends with a club and a spade. It's like an engagement ring…wedding ring…suffering. Generally, opposites attract in dating, and opposites attack in marriage.
The object is to communicate, not get mad because they didn’t hear you the first time. Jordan Peterson says, "A marriage that ends in divorce is the result of 10,000 fights that have never been had." Ouch! Believe me, there's nothing so simple that it can't be misunderstood, especially when one party is from Venus and the other from Mars.
Do we get any better or is this it? Of course we get better. That’s why I’m writing this article. Remember, you can’t sink someone else’s end of the boat and keep your own end afloat. Here are a few thought ideas that I think will help if you apply them consistently.
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1. Marriage Has Life in It. Since marriage came from God, it has 'life as God has life' (Zoe in the Greek) built into it. That's big-time life. Since marriage already wants to grow, remove what hinders your marriage's growth. The problem is people have uphill aspirations and hopes, but downhill habits. Marriage isn't the problem; downhill habits are. And most likely, the biggest downhill habit in most people’s marriages is communication.
2. Don’t Hesitate to Communicate. The average couple in America talks 17 hours per year. That’s not communication. That’s a heap of downhill habits and shipwrecks. Your spouse is supposed to be your helpmate, but how can they help if you don't communicate? You might be sleeping next to the person who has the answer you need for your latest dilemma—a partner in making excellent decisions together. Marriage is best when it's shared. What you give your marriage often determines what your marriage gives you. Partnerships and marriages feel least comfortable when they're most necessary. My suggestion is to bring communication to your marriage.
Here's a brief but powerful and applicable way to use two-way communication. Communication has three main emotions: fear, anger, and love. Fear moves away from the other person. Anger moves against the other person. Love moves toward the other person. Too many people operate in fear or anger. That separates you from the other person and isolates you both. It's all me, no we. We become the bully or the victim, neither of which is helpful.
What about love? Love moves toward the other person, not away or against them. Love says: "This is how I felt when you…" "This is what I thought when you…" "This is what I think would make it better for our marriage." Love takes courage to speak up when offenses come. An offense is an event; being offended is a choice. Each spouse can say, “I feel, I think, and I would like.” That releases understanding for both parties.
3. Our Differences Don't Go Away, but Our Hostilities Can. Fear or anger will never accept responsibility. Love does. Love embraces the mess and turns the mess into a message. When we accept responsibility, repentance and a new beginning become possible. Forgiveness means giving up control. When you admit you made a mistake and apologize to the offended party, you acknowledge that you are wiser now than you were when you made the mistake. In most cases, forgiveness sets the captive free…you!
4. Equal Status – Different Roles. The longer you are married, you discover what each partner is best at. That can be their role, but status is always equal. You don't lose your identity when you're married; you multiply it. Since none of us is the whole, independent, self-sufficient, superb, capable, all-powerful hotshot …let’s quit pretending like we are. Life’s lonely enough without us playing that silly role. The game’s over. Let’s complete one another. To make this thing called marriage work, we ‘gotta' lean on and support each other; relate and respond; give and take; confess and forgive; release and rely!
Marriage is a ‘Declaration of Interdependence.’ Said simply, marriage is less 'me' and more 'we.'
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