“Why Me?” to “What’s Next?”
One of the most extraordinary experiences of my life was serving as a Singles Pastor at two large churches in the Phoenix area. From 1980 to 1982, I was a pastor at Grace Community Church in Tempe, Arizona, where we served 550+ single people in our Sunday school classes. From 1982 to 1987, I was a pastor at Northwest Community Church in Phoenix, Arizona, where we started with six people and soon grew to 250+ singles in our Sunday school classes.
At Grace Community Church, one area I served was the 30- to 45-year-old singles class. Most attendees in this group were “single-again” and in a crisis of some kind. Many were women, newly divorced with children, facing financial, legal, emotional, familial, and relational giants they had never encountered before. There were also men (let’s call them Phils) in the class in the same situation, only in reverse.
When they joined our meetings, they had that 'deer in the headlights' look. They were 'trust impaired.' Our Singles' ministry was designed to support them as they journeyed from calamity toward peace. For most, recovery would take several years.
Let me share Phyllis’ story, one of the attendees in my class. Phyllis strongly believed in the traditional model of marriage. The man works, the woman takes care of the children, etc. However, Phyllis's marriage didn't turn out as she expected. When she first came to our class, she was devastated, distraught, and every other 'dis' word in the dictionary.
As she persevered through the healing process, she began to see that the light at the end of the tunnel was not a train. She slowly gained confidence, courage, and trust, along with the ability to cope with challenges. She discovered that there really is a God worth trusting and people worth trusting. She found a different life and a better life.
Near the end of her healing journey, Phyllis gave me a poem she wrote about her divorce. Please don't try to psychoanalyze her or her then-husband. Understand her feelings. She is a solid person, not chronically co-dependent, a pretty, intelligent woman and a good mother. Her poem is raw and authentic. Here is Phyllis's poem:
“He walked out of my life after sixteen years; Leaving me frightened and lonely, full of anger and tears. He gave me no reasons, no reasons or rhymes; He just said he needed to be “alone” for a time. He needed to “think” and stand all alone; Before he could be happy at home. “Separation” it’s called, I called it “Hell;” I was a bundle of nerves, as my children will tell. Reconciliation I wanted, for him I yearned; as I waited and prayed that he soon would return.
No matter how thick the walls around your heart have become, this inspiring book shows how God's grace can restore trust and bring lasting healing.
Then out of the blue, he appeared at my door; Saying, "Just sign these papers; we'll be married no more." I asked, "What have I done? I love you so; I just can't bear watching you go." Out of my life and out of my dreams; Just what in the world does all of this mean? What did I do, what was the last straw? What did he see that I never saw?
I have my faults, as the human race goes; Of these, I'm aware more than anyone knows. But I accepted myself the way that I was; Why does he want a divorce, what was the cause? Was it my short temper, did I snore in my sleep; Was it the way that I walk or the way that I eat? Did I talk funny? Was I too serious about ‘stuff’; Or was it reverse, not serious enough? Was it my laugh, my hair, or my waist; Was it the way that I think, was it opposite taste?
Oh, how I searched, tore myself all apart: Looking for answers to help heal my heart. “Darn you.” I cried, “You’ve let me down so; You give me no reasons, you just have to go.”
Now that I know it's over, finished, complete; Reality sets in, I must stand on my feet. That's easily said; it's much harder done; Especially since I've always leaned on someone. Step by step, each day I survive; some days, for my children, staying alive. There's so much to learn, soul searching to do; I’m determined to succeed, see my plans followed through.
There are no easy answers, no secrets of life. But I now accept myself, not being a wife. What's important to me is being true to myself. Putting priorities first, and him on the shelf. In a book full of memories, finished and done. He’s just the dad to my children; my new life in Jesus has begun.”
Perhaps you can relate to Phyllis? She wrote this poem 45 years ago, but it remains as relevant today as it was then. Yes, bad things can happen to good people. But the truth is, if it's going to be, it starts with me. Don’t focus on what caused her pain; focus on what healed it. Spending today complaining about yesterday won't make tomorrow any better. And so, Phyllis moved from “Why me?” to “What’s next?”
Phyllis understood that being OK does not mean she has risen above her faults or problems. It simply means she refuses to be paralyzed by them. She focused on the 'Who' and the 'how.' The ‘Who’ is God. The ‘how’ is learning to let go and move on. When you do that, you will see that the end is just a beginning in disguise.
If you are in a ‘Phyllis or Phil time’ right now, know that God is with you and can make all grace abound to you so you can be comfortable with yourself.
You might not be a goer,
but you can be a sender.
Your gift is a gift to communities and nations all over the world.